Finding Blessings in the impossible Pt. 2

On January 1st, I will be applying for an on-line weight-loss campaign called Mamavation. I followed along during the last campaign and lost 12 pounds but as an official Mamavation Mom there would be perks that would help me better reach my fitness goals. To all my friends on Twitter, please tweet @bookieboo and tell her why I should be the next Mamavation Mom. She's looking for a lot of support for me and I SOOO need to get healthier. I know I can't do it without the support!! My Twitter handle is @ElsklingDyr and you'll need to reference that if you tweet @bookieboo.

To better familiarize you with why I'm doing this and in hopes that it will help another mom in her journey, I would like to share part of my story. For myself, finding a kindred soul in Mamavation Mom, Alyssa Becthold, has already inspired me and given me a boost. Just knowing that someome understands what you've gone through and are going through makes me feel greatly supported.

I was told I might have difficulty getting pregnant due to a hormonal imbalance. At the time I weighed 108 pounds. My mother said I looked like I came from Auschwitz. I started working at Disneyland and that job didn't help any. It was such a fun job but I never sat down and I did nothing but walk for 8-12 hour shifts. My regular off time was 2AM and after work sometimes I'd go for doughnut runs or to Denny's with my friends. I ate the most fattening food I could find and I'd snack on candy bars. My parents said they'd take me to Walt Disney World if I could gain ten pounds. I tried so hard!! At times I got close but being a sickly child I caught everything that went around. Everytime I'd gain some weight I'd get sick and lose it all. I used to be called anorexic by everyone, even though it wasn't true, and remember even one time walking through Disneyland in my Indiana Jones costume and hearing someone say,"Oh my GOSH! Look at HER!" I turned around to look and realized that the girl was pointing at me. It didn't feel good to be scrutinized for being so thin. I don't know that anyone thinks about the opposite side of being obese, ya know? I mean it doesn't matter if you're too fat or too thin people will make fun of you. It hurts just as much when people make fun of you for being too skinny as it does when they make fun of you for being too fat. Make sense? I used to get full quickly so I also got into the habit of eating very fast so that I could finish my whole meal. I would relax my stomach so I'd look thicker instead of keeping my muscles taut. Then I started working at a bank. I went from walking nonstop for 12 hours a day and eating anything I wanted to standing in one place 8 hours a day and still eating anything I wanted. Since I had never done any formal excercise I never thought to start an excercise routine. I got up to 125 and thought I should probably start being careful but didn't really know how and since I'd never had to, it just wasn't a priority. Then I got married! So 30 pounds later and after trying to have children for a year I went to a doctor. She said she could see no reason that it wouldn't happen soon.I started working out at Curves with the idea that I could continue through a pregnancy. We kept trying and just about the time I decided I could be happy and fulfilled even if I never became a mother we took of for NYC for Christmas. I had the BEST time there and it was so relaxing and I was so HAPPY! Weeeellllll, let's just say that if Brody had been born a girl his name would have been Brooklyn. He was born in September and delivery was a nightmare. Pregnancy was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I had early contractions and was given several shots to keep them at bay but had to stop workng out. I was still throwing up after he was born and well, I could go on and on about pregnancy but back to delvery. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be......until after. The doctor kept me waiting, fully dilated and ready to go on the table for hours! The baby's head did some damage sitting there for so long and on top of it the doctor performed a 4th degree episiotomy. She wasn't my regular doctor and when my regular doctor did come the next day and saw what she did he kind of freaked. He said there was no reason for her to do that and she didn't document why she had done it either. So, I had a repair surgery that didn't work and a second one that didn't fix me either. While I recovered from delivery and two surgeries I wasn't allowed to excercise so it took me a long time to lose the baby weight. Almost as soon as I'd done it and was set to rid myself of 30 more I got pregnant again. Because of the complications with Brody I was required to have a c-section. They said if I didn't, there would be no way to fix me again and since I wasn't fixed completely from the first time, well, obviously.............I'd be WAY worse off than I am now! So hoping for an easier pregnancy was just a hope. Rhys was transverse and so painful to carry because of his position. I lost his twin but because he was horizontal in my tummy I looked HUGE and people kept saying, "Are you sure it isn't twins?" not knowing I had lost one. Very hard! When Rhys was born I realized how much of a blessing the delivery complications with Brody were. Had it not been for that I might not have Rhys. The cord was wrapped around his neck three times and twice around his leg. Not being born c-section would have killed him or severly damaged his brain. During my pregnancy with him we were living with my sister because we were remodeling our house, which meant tearing it down! After Rhys was born I moved with the boys to my parents house over 100 miles from my home. My husband had to stay at home because of work so for the first five months of Rhys' life we only saw him on the weekends. Amidst all this we got a restraining order against our next door neighbors for threatening us and stalking. So it was an extremely stressful time and very hard to lose the weight. Rhys is two and I have lost the baby weight but can't seem to get rid of the excess 30 pounds. I have health problems that have made it difficult to workout, as well. Condritis, Sciatica, Sacroiliitis, Asthma, Fibromyalgia......and now for the past year I have been having convulsions after passing out and dizzy spells. I grew up passing out so that's no big deal but the convulsions are getting worse when I wake up. The last time I passed out during a blood donation, I didn't remember my family or where I was. I didn't know I was married or that I had kids and that WAS scary when I remembered it later. The dizziness has kept me from certain activities and I've fallen a couple of times. I have blind spots and migraine headaches, nausea.....let's just say a lot to work through! I have had an MRI and I'm waiting on some more tests. So while I don't know what's wrong with me yet, I know that I don't need to feel this lousy. I don't remember a day without physical pain of some kind and the neurologist was right when he guessed that I don't remember the last time I felt good. I'm on Cymbalta for depression...any surprise???

I'm ready to get healthier and feel better!!! I realize it's time to reach out for help. So I tell part of my story, not to have a pity party but to have the support of those who will love me even though I'm messed up!! Those who won't let me feel sorry for myself but will lift me up!!

God bless you and thanks for listening to what I felt it was time to share!!